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6 Future Projects in Google’s Arsenal

It was the year 2000, the early days of the Internets, and Google had easily rose above AskJeeves and AltaVista to become the adolescent nerd’s tool of choice for finding time-wasting Flash games and crappy Flash videos. As the adults took notice, Google’s publicly traded stock rose along with its popularity. And the web was happy for a brief moment. We were years away from inane youTube comments and inbox flooding lolcats. And then in 2002, Google got fancy. First came Google Labs, then Froogle. Then it was blogging, social networking, text messaging, mapping, and image searching. Suddenly Google became scary — like a tinted white van full of puppies and candy.

With Google Voice (where’s my damn invite? thank you) and the Chrome OS on the horizon, Google has tightened its relentless grip on the Internet. And although increasingly hesitant, I am yet still intrigued with Google’s sweet, sweet offerings. And despite fears that they will one day turn evil, I will continue to suckle at Google’s teat until it is no longer cool to do so. But as we enter 2010, and with every corner of the information market covered, I begin to wonder: what else could Google possibly do to surprise us? Join me in my DeLorean.

1. Google Post

Upon acquiring DHL in early 2015, Google Post offers free shipping of packages under 10 lbs if purchased through any of its affiliated sites, including Amazon, eBay, and the newly revamped Pets.com. The unique business model single-handedly reignites the failing global economy. Amongst universal consumer praise, this move immediately bankrupts most web-based “mom n’ pop” businesses, unable to compete with such a novel and superior idea.  www.MamaRosasMiniatureViolins.com flourishes for some reason.

2. Goog IDs

A replacement to the Social Security Number system of ‘ol, Goog IDs are assigned at birth and are randomly generated using the child’s DNA, birth temperature, and cry wavelength. Unlike the traditional system, Goog IDs are dynamic; the government mandated GPS chip implanted in the child’s wrist further randomizes the location-dependent ID, making it almost impossible to decode or steal. The Goog ID is celebrated by businesses and governments alike, replacing physical credit and check cards, and integrating with Google Vote, and Google People Tracker.

3. Chrome Comment Plugin

A long overdue utility, the Comment plugin for Google’s Chrome browser accurately detects cynicism and analyzes relevance in video or blog comments. Irrelevant and pointless comments are subsequently removed — thus saving the Internet.

4. Google Time-Out

After officially buying the entire Internet in 2020, Google exercises maternal control over its digital domain. Time-Out is a social feature, by which members of an online social community may democratically punish individual that violate conduct rules via a “time-out”. After passing a community vote, the accused will be temporarily banned from the Internet entirely. Furthermore, to promote well-being and reduce carbon emissions, Google also annually shuts down the entire Internet every Earth Day.

5. Google SkinSense

As digital tattoo technology is refined, Google SkinSense allows advertisers to reach consumers directly and literally. Adopters of SkinSense automatically display situation-relevant advertisements on their skin using Google location and auditory-based recognition systems.

6. Google LUNAD-1

In early 2010s, the Google Lunar X-Prize is awarded. Deceivingly disguised as a scientific mission, the results provide the required data to develop Google’s next advertising work-horse. Google LUNAD-1, a nuclear-powered geostationary satellite is launched in 2028, and is capable of projecting multiple high-definition still images and video onto the lunar surface. The initial world-wide public outcry is quickly silenced after free NetFlix sponsored moon screenings of  “Batman Rebooted”.