5 Things You Love That Are Also “Just a Theory”
Bananas
I promised myself I wasn’t going to turn neoSpockets into a soapbox blog, but there’s been a bit too much depressing anti-evolution news in the past few weeks and I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer.
This “evolution is just a theory” battle-cry is tiring. I’ve seen this card played far too many times, and I’m fatigued in its lame attempt to make a pseudo-intelligent argument out of a clearly religious-centered theme.
Disclaimer: I’m not going to attack any specific belief system in this post, but rather show the fallacy of this common and clichéd “just a theory” argument. Let me state very clearly upfront that it honestly doesn’t matter to me what you believe in. At the end of the day, we all believe whatever solution gives us the most peace-of-mind. But when you’re passionate enough about your beliefs to start trying to discredit my boy science, I start to get a little peeved.
Over the years, I’ve tried to explain to countless individuals that the use of the word “theory” differs greatly between its common everyday use and within a scientific context. This explanation typically falls on deaf ears — and occasionally ears blocked by index fingers.
From what I can gather from its use, the “just a theory” argument attempts to justify a personal hesitation toward the acceptance of a belief, under the assumption that the belief in question is either lacking the proper supportive evidence, or is in dispute amongst the general population. While there is nothing wrong with a little skepticism, the selectiveness of this skepticism among anti-evolutionists is clearly a bit hypocritical.
While it’s probably safe to assume that the true source of hesitation stems from a conflicting preconceived religious devotion, the actual front-end argument being made is this: “I don’t adhere to this concept because it is a theory.” In this effect, this really is an “anti-theory” debate, not “anti-evolution”.
But okay. I’ll bite. If that’s what you truly believe, then I’ll play along with your “anti-theory” logic. But get ready for a very slippery slope.
So for all of those “evolution is just a theory” subscribers, here is a list of other wonderful theories (both scientific and otherwise, since you don’t seem to care) that you must hereby reject, based on your own logic.
1. Music
Just go ahead now
The Theory
Music Theory is the field of study that deals with how music works. This includes the underlying patterns that form what we know to be music, including rhythm, harmony, melody, structure, form, and texture.
What You Must Reject
What are these pleasuring patterns of sound? Since you do not believe in music, you not only can’t listen to that new Carrie Underwood CD, but you must be skeptical of hearing any structured or organized audio sequence. Cell phone ringtones, turn-signal clicks, the National Anthem: all gone.
What This Means For You
Your apprehension toward Music Theory forces you into a world of silence and Gaussian static.
2. The Truth
Do'h
The Theory
The Theory of Truth relates to the question of what is a proper basis for deciding how words, symbols, ideas and beliefs may properly be considered true.
What You Reject
Everything. Your distrust of “truth” forces you to question your own existence. Since you cannot believe anything to be true, your perception of your entire world can’t be believed.
What This Means For You
The mother of all paradoxical crises. Since you can no longer accept anything to be true, your very beliefs cannot be true as well. Therefore, your belief that there is no truth, is false. Even Plato would be confused.
3. Flight
Flying machine
The Theory
Aerodynamic Theory is the study of the motion of air, and is a subfield of fluid dynamics and gas dynamics. Aerodynamics form the basis of flight.
What You Reject
Since you can’t accept of the theory of aerodynamics, you do not believe in airplanes. Flight, to you, is simply a bizarre, unknown phenomenon only understood by birds and mosquitoes. The last 100 years of human flight have been out of pure luck.
What This Means For You
Your suspicion of aerodynamics extends deeper toward the concept of air resistance, forcing you to reject moving through air entirely.
4. Antibiotics
That guy
The Theory
Germ Theory proposes that microorganisms are the cause of many diseases and is a cornerstone of modern medicine and clinical microbiology.
What You Reject
Germ Theory has provided important innovations such as the antibiotic and our common hygienic practices. Because of your skepticism toward germ-causing medical ailments, you reject all pharmaceutical drugs. You also see no need to brush your teeth, use soap, or use deodorants.
What This Means For You
No more doctor visits. No aspirin. No showers. You’re stuck with leeches and voodoo.
5. Democracy
Did not tell a lie
The Theory
In Democratic Political Theory, the principles of equality and freedom are reflected by all citizens being equal before the law, and having equal access to power. All citizens are able to enjoy legitimized freedoms and liberties, which are usually protected by the constitution.
What You Reject
That freedom lovin’, barbequin’, flag salutin’ Amurican pride is all based on the theory of democracy. You must be skeptical of all this freedom/equality jazz and long for the ancient days of political ignorance amongst the commoners.
What This Means For You
You must officially remove your “W” sticker from your bumper. You’ve become everything you hate.
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Comments are just a theory. What else did I miss?
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10:38 AM on September 22nd, 2009
Though list is pretty well thought out, you did miss GRAVITY. It would take a truly brilliant mind – and body! – to contain the inability of flight along with the inability to stay grounded.