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53 Predictions for 2010

No lie.

A while back, I said to a friend, “You know what they should do? Have Tim Burton redo Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Johnny Depp as Wonka.”

Years later, after my Wonka reboot surfaced and fueled by my own sense of self-importance, I said to the same friend, “You know what else they should do? Have Tim Burton redo Alice in Wonderland with Scarlett Johansson as Alice.”

Okay, so I got half of that last one.

But my amazing clairvoyance was more than proven in my mind. And today I will demonstrate that my power extends beyond future Tim Burton projects.

So before everyone makes their end-of-the-year predictions for 2010, I’m going to make this more difficult on myself and make 2010 predictions two months in advance.

What will we find in 2010? Here we go:

• Michael Jackson’s secret song library leaks onto the Internet. Kanye samples using stupid pitch-correction effect. Jackson post-humorously wins Grammy.
• Twitter viruses galore. Ellen inadvertently infects millions of house-wives; husbands forced to fix the damn computer again.
• Windows 7 fails to impress; Apple gloats in increasingly unfunny ads.

• Hulu gathers steam; offers simultaneous broadcast and online availability for major networks.
• Growing Google/Apple tension. AT&T invites Google for threesome. Google declines.
• Iron Man 2 not as good, but still cool. Don Cheadle > that other guy.
• iPhone 4G released just in time for 3G-ers 2-year renews.
• Christopher Lloyd dies. Doctors cite always being old.
• LHC still broken. Universe saved for another year. Creepy guy from “Contact” nods appropriately.
• Blu-ray sales stagnate. But Christmas Blu-ray release of “Avatar” helps.
• Google Wave makes big impact. Devs happy. Users don’t notice, care.
• Image of Jesus appears in unlikely place. Everyone, regardless of religious devotion, happy for different reasons.
• TV advertisers struggle. Most ads now feature DVR-friendly static headers. Comcast tests “non-skippable ads” for advertisers; receives death threats.
• FOX News dominates. The Daily Show unable to keep up with available material.
• Celebrity Baby House becomes real show. Ernie Hudson meme hits the Internet.
• Anti-Vaccination replaces Global Warming in every respect.
• Britney Spears pregnant again. New tour not canceled.
• MAD Magazine goes under. Never occurred to editors to include actual advertisements in publication. News headline is some variation on “What? Me worry!”
• Solar panel efficiency reaches “almost worth putting them on my roof” territory.
• Public realizes television laugh tracks are very noticeable and condescending.
• Obama’s health care system blamed for new terrorist attacks.
• North Korea accidentally blows up own nuclear facility; claims it was totally on purpose.
• Taco Bell unveils new variation of the taco. Tastes like everything else on the menu.
• California legalizes marijuana. Still cheaper to buy it illegally.
• Swine Flu. You get it.
• neoSprockets‘ Google Adsense revenues pass $3.00

• NASA makes amazing scientific discovery. Public curious as to when they’re actually going to go to the moon.
• Computing power advances make “Crysis” almost playable.
• Microsoft acknowledges X-Box 360 a piece of shit; swears X-Box 480 will be much better.
• The nation’s youth continues to not realize how easy they have it; tells you to shut up and puts headphones on.
• Cash for Clunkers, round two. Fine print forces you to buy American.
• Sarah Palin officially running for president in 2012. Husband adjusts weight to left butt-cheek.
• Saturday Night Live considers online-only format. Instead, keeps same format and cuts half of cast.
• Census shows Mexican population higher than originally thought. Dora the Explorer lunchbox sales astounding.
• Local furniture store has sale. Goes out of business 6-months later.
• Superbowl half-time show kinda disappointing.
• Police Academy reboot starring Aston Kutcher and Shia LaBeouf.
• Zune recall nail in the coffin for Microsoft.
• California on fire, Florida under water. Texas juuuuuuuust right.
• Andy Richter wins Jeopardy Celebrity Invitational. Steroid probe.
• US bails on the International Space Station; asks for our stuff back.
• Supermarket rag reports Jennifer Aniston still not over Brad.
• Bad customer service ruins your entire Saturday.
• Michael Cera awkwardly dates other young celebrity, awkwardly breaks up.
• Pogs resurface momentarily; ruined when toy executives somehow bring computer chips into the mix.
• Miss America leaves office, once again shamefully failing to fulfill world peace promises.
• Woot.com sells 1,000,000^th Roomba.
• Nigerian scammers find way to trick your mom via Twitter.
• LinkedIn sees surge of new users as latest wave of graduated college students struggle to find work. Facebook buyout rumors.
• First credible iPhone virus hits.
• Another Chinese ballistic satellite interception. US condemns, then does same.
• Strong DVD sales of “The Colony” revive ambiguous 2nd season.
• Majority of news headlines to end in question marks.