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Recycling Willy Loman – A Phone Book Rant

Does not want.

I approach my front door after a long and fruitful day of labor, and as my hand explores my pants pocket for the house keys, I see a bright yellow abnormality: a bag sitting on my doormat.

The shape and weight of the unrequested package is deduced automatically; my mind boils with fury at its contents. I turn around and see others, sitting patiently on the stoops of my neighbors and between mailboxes. The bags flutter in the autumn breeze, anchored by the weight of the tomb inside.

I cannot begin to describe the overwhelming disdain I possess for phone books. To me, their presence is the equivalent of a stranger leaving five pounds of trash on my door – trash that he expects me to recycle.

I haven’t needed a phone book in at least five years.

In fact, I would be hard-pressed to find anyone under 30 who would choose a phone book over an Internet connection. Now, to be fair, I probably use the Google crutch more than the average person; my wife rolls her eyes all too often at my go-to response “Google it.” But I’m not alone. To many, the search engine has made phone books more than just obsolete, it’s made them annoying.

In researching this issue, I came across a very heated debate in the reader comments of another phone book rant. A commenter strongly defended phone books with a passionate zest, presenting the following scenario:

“It’s 10:00 on a stormy Sunday night and a tree branch knocks out your electricity and breaks your front window. You need emergency repairs… how’s Google going to help you now?”

The idea that a phone book is a magic lifeline is a little absurd. Personally, if my home network is down, my battery-powered laptop will automatically connect to my neighbor’s unprotected wireless network. If the neighbor’s power is out too, my cell phone can access the Internet over EDGE or 3G. And if my cell phone is dead too, I can always landline 1-800-GOOG-411. Hello, Google.

And even if you don’t have access to the Internet OR a phone book, a single call to a friend or family member is going to indirectly get a repair truck to your house. We live in a very connected environment, and the safety net of a phone book is quickly fading.

But maybe there’s a point hidden here. Apparently, some people still use phone books – I guess either out of necessity, or stubbornness to adapt. Based on other comments I’ve read, some people even like them, requesting additional copies for their homes or work.

For me at least, the real issue at hand is ‘assumption’. Companies that distribute phone books assume I want one – sometimes they boldly assume I want four or five. But like most modern annoyances, their drive is to not provide a convenient free service to the local community; it’s to sell advertisement space. And in the age of open information, this classic system of assumption dramatically hinders the consumer.

Like a traveling salesmen, phone books are pushy. I don’t need a new vacuum, and I don’t need a massive book of advertisements. When I’m in the market for a vacuum, I will perform my own research and buy one of my choosing. Similarly, when I need a plumber, I will perform my own research and hire one on my choosing. The salesman died out for a very important reason: consumers will resist solicitation when the proper information is available to make a more informed decision.

Where's a crying Indian when you need one?

In the business section of your phone book, a plumber’s ad is proportional to how much money they’ve spent. As a consumer, you have no method to measure a plumber’s quality against their competitors. So, as you can probably guess, people unintentionally base their decisions on advertisement quality.

In contrast, when I type “plumber” into Google Maps, I’m shown a list of nearby plumbers with a neatly organized list of user reviews, allowing me to make a more informed consumer decision. In this regard, I cannot fathom why someone would choose to rely solely on a phone book, when better information is easily available.

As I mentioned, for some there is no choice. In households without an Internet connection, or for the technologically feeble, a phone book is certainly a useful tool. And for this reason I don’t condemn phone books completely. Rather, I reiterate my call to not assume we all want one.

Thankfully, phone companies have started to maintain “Do not distribute” lists. Unfortunately, like telemarketing lists, results seem to vary. To get on a list, simply call one of the numbers below. (Surprisingly, the representatives are supposedly very friendly and understanding!)

1.800.792.2665

1.800.888.8448

1.877.243.8339

1.800.373.3280
1.800.373.2324

In the meantime, I plan on dropping off my most recent stack of books at the AT&T offices on my lunch break.

I Googled the directions.

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[Thanks Leelefever at www.commoncraft.com]

Do you actually use phonebooks? Comment!